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The following is a paid semi-satirical advertisement and does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the internet in general . . . just this guy.

Ladies! Are you tired of never being appreciated? Tired of guys who just want to use you? Maybe it’s time you made the switch to Ben. Ben provides many qualities that would be advantageous in a long term relationship. He can be trustworthy in that he’s a terrible liar, due to having little experience in it. Loyal to a fault, he’ll stand by you even if you take advantage of it. Ben can be your next go-to guy, as he’s generally obedient . . . like a puppy! He’s also willing to be helpful with anything that you may need. When he’s not in a crippling depression, Ben can be extremely friendly, kind, cheerful and just plain goofy. Do you like to smile and laugh? That’s what Ben strives to achieve.

Is chivalry dead? You won’t have to ask yourself this question when taking extra-strength Ben. To him, women are beautiful creatures that deserved to be treated as such. He strives to be courteous when courting you for a lifetime of happiness. Ben holds the institution of holy matrimony in the highest reverence, so you fathers can definitely trust your daughters to this man. An incurable romantic if you give him the chance, Ben will make you feel like the most special woman in the world. He’s brave enough to take on most any challenge thrown at him, and has a hard time saying “no”. Don’t like being in the poor-house? Don’t worry about it, with Ben at your side. He can be very thrifty, but also can know how to spoil a girl. Tired of cooking and cleaning? By subscribing to the Ben philosophy, you’ll know that he can do his fair share of both. Heck, he even keeps the seat down on the toilet.

So stop settling for the same old inconsiderate jerks you usually go out with, and sign up for a life with Ben today! He’s funny, he’s smart, and he’s got 24 years of love pent up and ready to give to you.

Fine Print: Offer based off a 6 to 12 month thorough interview, during which you may feel like you are being judged for potential long-term side-effects. Should not be taken by women who are nursing, pregnant, or who would become pregnant during the interview process. Smoking will lead to serious side effects, as will excessive drinking/drunkenness. Non-Christian applicants need not apply. Those who would have the best chance at surviving the Ben treatement should be at a point in their walk with Christ equal to or greater than that of Ben. Limit 1 per customer. Acceptance of the Ben plan requires you to appreciate him and to occasionally reciprocate with actions of affection towards him: he can’t carry the whole relationship. Ben can occasionally be very boring: resigned to just staying at home and watching a movie or TV or when he runs out of stuff to talk about. Communication will be key in a successful application of Ben to your life. Please consult your nearest Ben if you have any interest in this limited time offer. First come, first served.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. For what it’s worth, I feel you.

    A couple of books that you might find interesting:
    The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and Boundaries in Dating by Drs. Henry Cloud
    Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

    Also, your titles never cease to amaze me.

    Reply

    • Thanks. I may look into those books because I’m beyond desperate now.

      Also, I had the idea for this particular post around the middle of January, so the fact that it was delayed was because I was trying to find the right word for the title. It doesn’t help when most words end in “e”.

      Reply

  2. The subject is fully clear but why does the text lack clarity? But in general your blog is great.

    Reply

    • Probably because I write these posts with a “stream of consciousness” style than actually plotting out something before hand and editing it before putting up here.

      Right now I’m mainly using this blog as a way to get the thoughts out of my head, so that’s why I use this particular style.

      I’m planning on posting some creative writings that I’ve done in years past so that I won’t have to go a month without a new post, so that should be at least a little more coherent.

      Reply

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