Archive for November, 2010


Over the last four years, I have had the misfortune of living in many different apartments underneath many different people who do not understand that there are people living directly beneath them. I’ve hated being beneath these people, but now the hatred is beneath me. Now that I have finally moved to an apartment with nobody above me, I have some serious lifestyle changes that I need to make in order to comply with the unwritten laws of upstairs apartment leasing.

First of all, now that I live upstairs I will be literally and figuratively above everyone else in the building. This means that I need to realize that I am the only person who matters and that whatever I do should be accepted by those around me. If my actions are somehow jarring to others, I will merely tell them that they are intolerant, and that they need to keep their minds open to new ideas (i.e. mine). Rules no longer apply to someone who lives upstairs. Not the rules of the lease, not the rules of man, not even the rules of God. It is truly a life of freedom.

I am already a pretty big collector, but it seems to me that I now need to collect one more thing: bowling balls. Now, these are some very special items that I can’t just leave on a shelf to collect dust. No, I need to make sure that I take each and every one of them off of their pedestal and polish them regularly. Of course, with such polished bowling balls, I’m sure that I will frequently drop them on the floor. As long as they don’t go all the way through the floor, I think it should be OK. If the floor does get damaged, I’ll just get some sledgehammers and pound away at it until it’s magically remodeled into something much more stylish, like hardwood floor or tile. You know, those flooring styles that make the whole building echo with each step you make.

Of course, there are some aspects of upstairs living l am already prepared for. Being a bachelor means that my entire apartment can be my “man cave”. As such, I have already acquired some items that seem to be critical to life one story up. I’ve already bought a great stereo sound system, replete with an adequately sized subwoofer. If you can’t feel the action sequences of your movie at any location in your apartment, what’s the point of having a subwoofer? Similarly, I occasionally need to rock out, and I have all the equipment for the full band on Rockband 2. Nothing melts those daily stresses away like playing a kick-drum heavy drum solo on expert mode. But why stop at playing video games about music, when I can also play my vast music collection on the “11” setting during all hours of the day and night.

And yet, even though I have the equipment to rock out and enjoy movies, I’m still missing some important possessions for upstairs living. Most people would consider beer pong a basement sport. One of those things you play in someone’s garage or basement. But who wrote the rules on where it should be played? If it can be played in those locations, why not an upstairs apartment? All I really need is a long table, a bunch of cups, beer, 20 or 30 friends, and I’m ready to go. With the new hardwood or tile floors I’ve sledgehammered out, we should be able to catch the missed shots on at least the 14th bounce.

Even though I’m ready to embrace the upstairs lifestyle, there are some behaviors that I am unable to fulfill. Due to my allergy to pet dander, I can’t have a dog in my apartment. However, I may be able to find a hairless breed to take care of this requirement. Not that there’s much else I’d need to do after I got the dog. According to the unwritten laws, I’d need to lock it in the apartment all day, every day and never feed it. If you hear a constant whining from your dog: you’re doing it right.

Similarly, because of my choices in regards to the bedroom, I won’t be able to accomplish another one of those vital upstairs tasks. I may have a way around this issue as well. All I’d need to do would be to invite someone over to my apartment once every few days to jump on my bed and yell really loud. Of course, most people are so busy these days so I’ll have to schedule it for the early morning hours. Hey, I didn’t unwrite the unwritten laws, but I’m going to have to abide by them if I want to live upstairs. In fact, now that I think about it, the point about scheduling reminds me of another lifestyle change I’m going to need to make.

It seems to me that in order to live upstairs, one must be a nocturnal creature. This means that the times that the lease says everyone else should be asleep are the times that I am required to be awake. But what does one do in those night-time hours? Well, party, of course! I’ll get all the other upstairs people together nightly, or at the very least every Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we’ll party until we are required to go to bed (usually around 7am). We’ll play beer pong, Rockband 2, jump around on my bed, do some strategic bowling ball drops and make sure to not feed my dog.

And yet, continuous partying is not the only way to stay in shape while living upstairs. Since I would never want to leave the wonderful world of the second floor, I would need to take up the ancient upstairs art of “pacing.” Who needs to spend hours on a treadmill going nowhere or hiking out in the dangerous and uncomfortable outdoors? Why do these things when you can use the happy medium of continuously pacing around the apartment! It doesn’t even need to be a big apartment. One bedroom is more than enough.
Lastly, I may have to make a physiological change to my routine. I usually tend to walk on the balls of my feet; since I’ve had years of ninja training to make sneaking up on people an easy task to accomplish. However, from what I’ve gathered about living upstairs, I’m going to need to change my gait so that I take every step with my heels. There’s no balance on the balls of your feet, so I’m assuming that the direct energy transfer from foot to floor of every step gives a greater stability. That’s not to say that I can’t get some heavy shoes to help with the transition process. If the pictures on my walls aren’t shaking every time I take a step, I think I may be doing it wrong.

In conclusion, these seem to be the attributes of someone who lives with their head in the clouds, one whole story above the ground. It must be nice to be able to get away with such a selfish, discourteous and inconsiderate lifestyle, and I’m certainly looking forward to it.