Chapter VIII

Halve thee whirled awn eh plait

Hiding a problem can be incredibly easy if you have the right kind of problem.  Here we have the example of Justin Case.  Justin tours the country as a lecturer on being prepared.  Most people are always caught off guard when the smallest thing goes wrong because they are not prepared enough to deal with it.  Mr. Case has already written a number of award winning books including Preparedness and You: When Crisis is the Mother of Invention and Be Prepared before I Come to Your House and Poke You with a Stick.

Having received his Eagle Scout while in the Boy Scouts, Justin took to heart the motto, “Be Prepared.”  As he progressed through college and into his professional life, Justin started to become perturbed by people who always seemed to be at a loss when it came to being prepared.  Eventually he had enough and wrote his first book, Problems Arise when You Aren’t Ready for Them, which quickly became the bestselling non-diet book (placing it 345th overall) on the market.  His fame spread enough that he quit his job and went on tour giving lectures and writing more books.  The one thing that most people don’t know about Justin Case is that he has a severe problem called “Homophonitis” that he doesn’t even know he has.

Justin stepped down from the podium to a standing ovation as he finished another one of his award winning speeches on preparedness.  After signing autographs and talking with his fans, Justin took his rental car to the hotel where he checked in.  He walked up to the receptionist and said, “Hello, my name is Justin Case, eye believe ewe half eh rheum four me.”  The receptionist made a few quick strokes on her keyboard, looked at the screen and replied, “Yes we do Mr. Case.  You’re in the presidential suite.  Here is your key.”

As she dropped the key into his open hand she remarked, “That’s a pretty expensive room Mr. Case, I’m impressed.”  This pleased Justin and he let a smug smile appear on one side of his mouth.  As he sauntered toward the elevator, Justin commented over his shoulder to the receptionist, “Wen it comes two traveling, eye always say awl ore nothing.”

Immediately after setting his luggage down in his room, the phone on the desk rang.  Justin looked at the caller I.D. and let out a short, amused laugh.  The number on the phone was that of his agent.  It was almost as if his agent was watching him.  For a split second, Justin toyed with the idea of not answering.  This idea did not last long as he remembered last time that he let the phone ring, it kept ringing for 20 minutes before he gave in and answered it.

Justin hit the speakerphone button as he threw himself on the bed and let out a deep sigh.  From the phone came the nasal voice of his agent, “Hey there Justin, your lecture today was phenomenal.”  Without skipping a beat, the agent continued, “Listen now, I’ve got a surprise for you.”  Still lying on his bed, Justin interrupted and said, “Its knot another gift basket of mixed nuts is it?  Because eye already told ewe I’m allergic.”  Catching his beat again, his agent continued, “No no no, I’ve been able to get you on the Today Show!”  In utter surprise, Justin shot straight up from his bed and exclaimed, “Know weigh!  That’s incredible!  How’d ewe dew it?”  His agent’s reply was, “Let’s just say that I can pull a few strings.  See you tomorrow for shooting.”  The phone made a click and went into the dial tone as the agent hung up.  Justin pressed the speakerphone button again to turn it off and walked over to his window which had an amazing view of downtown New York. With the news of his television appearance tomorrow sinking in, Justin grabbed his coat and decided to have a night on the town.

Upon arriving back at his room, Justin flipped the lights on and noticed a man standing with his back facing window.  The man was dressed in a white robe with a white sweater and white jeans on.  He had a black moustache a head of disheveled hair and wore sunglasses that looked like ski goggles.  Justin was quite shocked that someone had managed to get into his room so he asked, “Hao did ewe get in hear and who are ewe?”  To which the mystery man replied, “It is irrelevant how I got in here, and for now you may refer to me as Captain Random.”

Curious as to what this Captain Random wanted, Justin queried, “What dew ewe want?”  Captain Random slyly grinned as he thought to himself, “I want to ruin your life.”  At this instant, he pulled out what appeared to be a remote control, aimed it at Justin and pressed the button for “Subtitles” walked right by Justin, and went into the bathroom.  Justin was highly baffled by this and after a few minutes, opened the door to the bathroom to find that no one was there.

Justin leaned on the counter and said into the mirror, “Now that was strange.”  Immediately after the words left his mouth, they appeared on the mirror in front of him.  Slightly taken aback, but not entirely worried, Justin opened one of the drawers and pulled out an aspirin.  After swallowing the pill and the water in the glass, he stared at the mirror as he said, “Maybe eye should git sum sleep.”  The words once again appeared in front of him, except this time he noticed that instead of “I” there was “eye.”  Deciding he’d had enough of these strange events for one day, Justin fell into bed and immediately drifted off to sleep.

Justin’s agent hurriedly walked down the hall to Justin’s room and pounded on the door as he yelled, “Justin!  You were supposed to be at the studio half an hour ago!”  The agent turned the doorknob and let himself in the unlocked room.  Darkness came back to the room as he shut the door behind him and headed toward the window.  Curtains were drawn and the room looked slightly askew.  Leaning with one arm above him on the curtained window and a glass of whiskey in the other hand, Justin looked like a wreck.

“Have you been drinking?” asked his agent.  “I’m eh freak,” was the reply from the bowed head at the window as his words appeared before him.  The agent was a little shocked but prodded on, “You’re not a freak, what would ever make you say that?”  Glass and ice flew across the room and crashed into a wall turning both into fragments on the carpet.  Justin thrust the curtains open and both he and his agent squinted at the sudden increase of light in the room.  He began to speak, through clenched teeth at first, increasing in volume with each sentence, “Dew ewe sea what’s happening?  Whenever eye talk, these words appear!  And on top of everything else, they aren’t the words eye want two say, they’re awl homophones!”  His agent was just shocked and couldn’t do anything but stand there as his client walked by him and left the hotel.

Today you can find Justin Case in the same spot that he’s been for the last fifteen years.  He no longer speaks, even when he is given his annual check up.  The orderlies at Crazy Horse Sanitarium have no idea why he won’t speak.  Needless to say, enough time has passed that Justin Case is just a shadow of a memory for most people.  It’s too bad that someone’s life had to be ruined so tragically by the oddities of one mysterious man.

Note: This chapter is a little difficult to read, but when read out loud most of it becomes much clearer.


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